Free Self-Proclaimed Wisdom

I know none of you have asked, but FINALLY here it is! A list of women NOT to date! This has been a collaborative effort – thank you Jules for producing this list with me, and for making me believe the period table could be interesting.

And you’re welcome readers for this nugget of knowledge and wisdom!

*Disclaimer: No disrespect intended towards people who identify with the items on this list. You do you. ❤

  1. The Scientist
    “I think you’re really cute. And so smart! And when I look at you, I can’t help but have naughty thoughts. Don’t get me wrong, I’m in love with my boyfriend; we’ve been together since high school! But lately I’m feeling more and more curious… I think I’m going through an experimental phase!”
  2. The Straight Girl in Denial
    “Oh I’m totally gay. Look, I have a girlfriend! We’ve been together for months! How gay is that? I’ve kissed her! With my mouth on her mouth! But I’m just not comfortable putting my hands or mouth…erm… down there. I mean I enjoy it when I receive it, but I’m just not ready to do it yet. I need to observe a little longer.”
  3. The Monogamous Poly-amorist
    “I love you. This past year has been nothing short of amazing… I don’t need anyone or anything else to be happy; just you. You make me much happier than my girlfriend, but no I’m not ready to break up with her just yet or tell her about you. Also, she’s almost home so you better leave.”
  4. The Serial Down-player
    “What? This girl that I’ve been seeing every day for the past year, texting constantly, sleeping with as often as possible, and who has most of my stuff at her place? We’re just friends…” 
  5. The Surface Feminist
    “I go to sleep on sheets made of hair shed from Judith Butler’s head. Hopefully sometime soon I’ll find the time to read one of her books.”
  6. The Cliche
    “Jeez that 1st date was wonderful so do you prefer I move in with you or you move in with me?”
  7. The Reverse Cliche
    “Move in together? Girl it’s only been 5 years, chill!”
  8. The Token Seeker
    “Yes I’ve been attracted to trans men, trans women, non binary people. Just because I’m actually in a steady relationship with the straightest whitest jockiest guy ever doesn’t mean I’m boring straight. I’m such a complex person and I see people on a spectrum you know, not as “boys and girls” like other bigots.”
  9. The Gay Girl in Denial
    “Just because I’m attracted to women and don’t find the male body at all inviting and I’ve spent years in a monogamous relationship with you – a woman – does NOT mean I’m gay and should face it and not hide you from all my friends and family, even the ones I know aren’t homophobic or are actually gay themselves!”
  10. The Mathematician
    “My X was horrible. My X drove me crazy. You’re nothing like my X. My X was terrible. Terribly wonderful. Excuse me, sorry to interrupt you as you confess your undying love for me, but my X just texted and I have to go because she maybe possibly potentially 1% wants me back!”

What others should be added to this list?

– Yakhne and Jules

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