I Like You

I like you more than I planned.
I like you more than I know I should.

For the longest time my heart was broken. Then it healed, but even then all it did was beat.

Maybe the butterflies and the goosebumps and the obsessive thoughts and the endless need to know more were behind me; things of naivete. Things that my heart shook out of its cracks before it sealed them.

Except that they are not. And thank God they are not. For what a bland existence it would be if all you did was exist.

Except that they are not, because I like you. I like you more than I planned. I like you more than I know I should. And it feels good.

– Yakhne

 

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Yes or No?

It’s a delicate matter hitting on a girl if you don’t know for sure she’s gay, and you don’t know if she knows you are.

You had a great conversation, really hit it off. You asked for her number and she gave it. But does she think you just want to be friends?

You ask her out.

“It was great meeting you. I’d love to see you again. Coffee Dinner next Wednesday?”

She says yes. But dinner could just be dinner! If you were a guy she’d automatically think you were hitting on her… but you’re not so this could go both ways.

Every exchange leading up to dinner, and then the largest part of dinner itself make you feel like a detective on a mysterious and complicated case. You’re watching her every move, analyzing her every word. EYE CONTACT you remind yourself. Look her in the eyes… straight girls wouldn’t do that so much.

But you can’t go overboard either. The entire restaurant could be filled with potential homophobes. She might be gay, but she might not be. If she is, she might be discrete, and not like the attention that could come from some words, moves, gestures (like flowers?). If she is not, the idea that you are hitting on her might offend her. That’s a scene you want to avoid.

Sigh. So much to think about and consider.

When it works out, we often look at this entire process as “fun”. We giggle about it snuggled up on the sofa. Oh how silly we were!

But truth be told, I can’t wait for the day when I can have an intriguing conversation with a woman, get her number, and follow it up with a clear and blunt “Would you go out on a date with me?”, knowing full well that her reaction can only be one of two different responses; Yes or No. And nothing more.

– Yakhne

Free Self-Proclaimed Wisdom

I know none of you have asked, but FINALLY here it is! A list of women NOT to date! This has been a collaborative effort – thank you Jules for producing this list with me, and for making me believe the period table could be interesting.

And you’re welcome readers for this nugget of knowledge and wisdom!

*Disclaimer: No disrespect intended towards people who identify with the items on this list. You do you. ❤

  1. The Scientist
    “I think you’re really cute. And so smart! And when I look at you, I can’t help but have naughty thoughts. Don’t get me wrong, I’m in love with my boyfriend; we’ve been together since high school! But lately I’m feeling more and more curious… I think I’m going through an experimental phase!”
  2. The Straight Girl in Denial
    “Oh I’m totally gay. Look, I have a girlfriend! We’ve been together for months! How gay is that? I’ve kissed her! With my mouth on her mouth! But I’m just not comfortable putting my hands or mouth…erm… down there. I mean I enjoy it when I receive it, but I’m just not ready to do it yet. I need to observe a little longer.”
  3. The Monogamous Poly-amorist
    “I love you. This past year has been nothing short of amazing… I don’t need anyone or anything else to be happy; just you. You make me much happier than my girlfriend, but no I’m not ready to break up with her just yet or tell her about you. Also, she’s almost home so you better leave.”
  4. The Serial Down-player
    “What? This girl that I’ve been seeing every day for the past year, texting constantly, sleeping with as often as possible, and who has most of my stuff at her place? We’re just friends…” 
  5. The Surface Feminist
    “I go to sleep on sheets made of hair shed from Judith Butler’s head. Hopefully sometime soon I’ll find the time to read one of her books.”
  6. The Cliche
    “Jeez that 1st date was wonderful so do you prefer I move in with you or you move in with me?”
  7. The Reverse Cliche
    “Move in together? Girl it’s only been 5 years, chill!”
  8. The Token Seeker
    “Yes I’ve been attracted to trans men, trans women, non binary people. Just because I’m actually in a steady relationship with the straightest whitest jockiest guy ever doesn’t mean I’m boring straight. I’m such a complex person and I see people on a spectrum you know, not as “boys and girls” like other bigots.”
  9. The Gay Girl in Denial
    “Just because I’m attracted to women and don’t find the male body at all inviting and I’ve spent years in a monogamous relationship with you – a woman – does NOT mean I’m gay and should face it and not hide you from all my friends and family, even the ones I know aren’t homophobic or are actually gay themselves!”
  10. The Mathematician
    “My X was horrible. My X drove me crazy. You’re nothing like my X. My X was terrible. Terribly wonderful. Excuse me, sorry to interrupt you as you confess your undying love for me, but my X just texted and I have to go because she maybe possibly potentially 1% wants me back!”

What others should be added to this list?

– Yakhne and Jules

Lost in Space

I was chasing stars in a universe that you don’t know,

but maybe I just don’t understand enough about the universe you’re from, either.

Maybe, it’s good the way it is.
Maybe, you’re from out of space.

Maybe, it’s good the way it is

and we are meant to collide with someone else.

But whenever rockets are sent to space to explore,

debris will fall on to the world.

Now, we are disappointed,
but only in the moment.

Get on board!

We will launch into the blue sky

to a place where things are not that sad.

– irul

lesbian lebanon osashob

Let’s Pretend

Can we pretend for a little while that we live in a different world?

Can we pretend that I can hold your hand as we walk down the street? That I can stop, anywhere, to look into your eyes and tell you I love you, and kiss your smiling lips?

Can we pretend that I can bring you home and tell my mom you’re the one and we can spend an afternoon looking over my baby pictures while my mom tells you embarrassing stories about me?

Lie down here beside me on this bed. Snuggle up to me in our little secret, in our “less than” lifestyle, and let’s pretend just for a little while that our love is just that… Not a debate, not a mistake, not a disappointment, not a sin, not immoral, and not something to defend… Let’s pretend, just for a little while, that our love is just love.

– Yakhne

I Must be Insane

I must be insane.
I can’t find another explanation for my mind’s obsession.

I hope you never read this.

It’s like being allergic to strawberries but having your mouth water at the sight of one. Having your mind warn you not to  try, but your hands reach out and grab one. Your sense of reason screams at you to drop it but your mouth wraps around it and you savor the delicious burst of flavor, welcoming the pain that will come after. After is, after all, after.

I  hope you never read this.

It’s like being afraid of heights, but climbing a ladder to a rooftop to enjoy the view. Your stomach sinks with each rung, but your fingertips tingle with the excitement of the climb. Your heart is beating at thrice it’s pace, and your cheeks are flushed. You step over the edge, plant both feet on the roof and straighten up to stand. As you take in the view you are gripped with terror, but also permeated with joy.

I hope you never read this.

I must be insane.
I can’t find another explanation for my mind’s obsession.

But every indulgence gives me pleasure, and with every exchange my curiosity blooms.
My brain must be birthing neurons, because I can feel the electric implosions as more and more of them connect and communicate. And all the messages they transmit are about you. I can feel the glow of the electric current they produce surging through me, defying reason.

It is gaining momentum, emanating an electric hum that gets louder and louder every passing moment, rearing to be set free; to explode into streaks of lightning that travel the globe and burst into sparks of positive energy all around you.

I hope you read this.

If you do, maybe you’ll know I’m thinking of you.
If you do, maybe you’ll know I’m falling for you.

– Yakhne