I’m not ready to be friends yet.
I love her. And we did not part on negative terms. We both agree we mean the world to each other and don’t want to ever lose each other.
But I find that I’m simply unable to feel good about her. If she’s happy and going out and enjoying herself, i resent her for not being happy with me. If she’s upset or sad or angry, I feel justified in needing space.If she succeeds, I feel envious that the fruits of labor she put in with my love and support are being wreaped without me. And if she fails, it’s proof to me that she never tries hard enough or commits properly.
And all of those thoughts that my rational mind can process and dismiss or adjust where necessary leave me with something I can’t seem to control: an unshakable and overwhelming feeling of loneliness which translates proportionally into missing her.
My friends want me to date. Get back in the game.So I am. It’s fun in the moment, but in truth I just want to skip all of that. I just want to come home to someone who knows and loves me.