A Day to be Sad

I don’t need encouragement or advice. I just need to be sad right now. It’s difficult for friends to understand that there are days when you just want to be sad. They are programmed to want you to feel better so it doesn’t sit well with them. But right now I just need to be sad.

I don’t know where I am in my romantic life. There is someone. I love her. She loves me. But I don’t know if we’re right for each other. I don’t know if we want the same things. I don’t know if it’s going to last. It feels good now, but think to the future and things get blurry and we start tugging in opposite directions. But I’m not ready to focus on the future and decide whether or not to move on. I’m not there yet.

Today is one of those days where I need to feel sad. I need to be miserable. Just for a short while. Given that I’m very tightly wound up, feeling sad by myself doesn’t come easily, but I have a magic weapon: dog rescue videos. I go on YouTube and watch video after video of abandoned dogs getting rescued and I cry. And after a while I feel better.




Hind-sight is 20-20.

The above has to be one of my most loathed expressions, mainly because it’s an outright lie.

After time passes and emotions fade, you look back upon an event and you can see it objectively, for what it really was. You can see the bigger picture and evaluate your actions and reactions, and you can see more clearly.

Can you catch the fallacy in that logic?

Hind-sight is not 20-20, it’s black and white. It removes the grey. And that makes the pictures it paints lies because we, as humans, are mostly grey.

I look back at a fight that led to the demise of something special. That fight that was the turning point of a relationship. And now I can see that I did indeed get too angry. If I had been calmer, if I had been more patient, we might have reached a different outcome. But THAT is black and white and while the statement itself is true, it does not speak the truth of the situation.

I GOT ANGRY. Things happened. She did things and I did things. She said things and I said things. WE GOT ANGRY. There were emotions bouncing off the walls slapping us in the face, punching us in the stomach and ripping the breath out of our lungs as we curled up on the floor gasping for air. And as we twisted and turned, struggling to breathe, our arms reaching out for help, the truth is that we were not reaching for each other.

Hind-sight compresses the sleepless nights and the anxious days into bite-size; understandable, manageable, and easy to connect dots through. But that’s not how things are. Things are messy and confusing and complex because we are. So I try to remember the truth by remembering the details, by rejecting the simplicity offered by retrospect.

And I don’t do it to hold a grudge; I do it to learn. I don’t want to make the same mistakes again. I do it to give value to what I had. I didn’t lose it because of something as trivial as being a bit too angry in one fight. No. There was more and I want to preserve all of it. The memory of her, of us. If I can’t save us, I at least owe our memory the dignity of being whole.