Loneliness

It’s almost 6PM. When I got up this morning I was feeling great. The mind, it’s one masochistic mother fucker. I woke up, made myself coffee and sat down to drink it thinking today…today I will do things. And now it is almost 6PM, my coffee mug is still on the coffee table in front of me and I have been marathoning Grey’s Anatomy all day. Again.

I get these bursts of energy in the mornings but they never last. A few days ago I spent it buying groceries because this was going to be the week I started cooking again. I’ve been living on take out and junk food for a while, and that morning I told myself enough was enough. I bought veggies and lean meats and I was ready for a change. Now most of that food is spoiling in my fridge.

Everything in my life, with the exception of her, is good. No; great. But that greatness is nothing but a dull hum in the background of my day. Some days start out alright. I’m immersed in the details, in my now, and things start to feel good. Then I glance at my phone and it’s 6PM and she hasn’t texted, and I’m back on the couch and the good is dialed back to a dull hum.

And now that I think about it, there’s something that drives me absolutely mad. Our culture teaches us to savor that misery. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. We glorify the pain that comes with heartbreak, as if it is an accomplishment or a testament of strength. It’s not.

Today though, on Grey’s Anatomy, I actually heard something that finally struck a chord with me. I can’t remember it exactly, but it was something along the lines of: You might think that loving someone who doesn’t love you back is lonely. But being with someone who doesn’t love you back; that’s real loneliness.

I feel lonely in this world. And so long as I am sitting on this couch streaming season 3 of grey’s, I don’t have to face that. And I really don’t want to face that right now.

-Yakhne

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In my Dream

She would steal a moment in an otherwise busy day to send me short message reminding me I was on her mind.
She would never fall asleep without  whispering the words good night to me as she typed them into her phone and sent them.
She would rarely step out of bed without the gentle caress of a good morning from me.
When I told her I missed her, she smiled from her heart, pleased that she had that effect on me.
When I told her I felt like talking to her, she made it clear that she thought it a privilege that I would choose to talk to her. That she valued every word I said. And that, even if she couldn’t be there for me in the moment she would make it up to me tenfold as long as I still felt like talking to her.
And when I say I love her, when I tell her I want her, when I wrap my arms around her… She asks me how I can love her so much? And she tells me how everything feels lighter, more manageable, with me in her life.

-batata

So I Found You…

So I found you… after years and years of disappointments, dead ends, places that I’ve reached when it’s too late. But I didn’t quit, I kept on trying and walking towards your way. I had so many feelings that I can’t hold back and so many things needed to be said, I believed so deeply in love that no power could have change my mind or stand against my will, I was so sure that you feel the same way, I was so sure that I can fix us by going back, speaking the truth and move on from where we left.

And so I found you… you’re alive Thank god! Back in Lebanon, ironically living just a few streets away from my place! Looking better than ever and the best of all… Engaged. At this point, I’m not sure how to feel. Should I be happy for you that you’re in good health settling and moving on with your life to be freaking bride to be?! Or should I be upset, frustrated, hating every single love song I sang day dreaming of you and every god damn second I wasted planning for our future together and all the efforts I put into finding you!

Both ways I have not much options! I MUST move on and let you go or should I say let go of my illusions of us. That gigantic ring kept on catching my sight in every move you make, as if your fiancé was standing tall between us mocking me by saying SHE’S MINE!

I planned and made up hundreds of scenarios for how we would meet and what I would say but when it happened, it was surreal, it happened in slow motion and super fast at the same time. I had to ask before walking away: “Are you happy? This life, this whole engagement thing, this guy… are you satisfied?” Your answer made me even more upset! “ما حدا مبسوط” you said it with a low tone in your voice as if this is the saddest confession you ever revealed to someone.

So many indicators, so many things you said on that night, made me realize that you do still care. Why else would you keep all our letters and souvenirs? Why would you ask about whom I’ve dated through the past years and why it didn’t work out? Why would you still remember the small details such as where we first met and how our relationship all started? Why would you rush into my arms unconsciously instead of simply shaking my hand when we met?

It was too much for me to comprehend in one night, I went back home with butterflies in my stomach, honestly I had a hard time going back home because all I wanted was to walk around her neighborhood and breathe in all the fresh air and just BE HAPPY again, BE ALIVE, be able to FEEL the LOVE in every single beat of my heart knowing that YES she does love me still, for a second I forgot her fiancé and all the years that stood between us, for a second I thought all the impossible can and will be real.

I finally got back home with a goofy smile on my face, 30 mns later I said to myself what the hell am I doing by not calling her! She is all I ever wanted, only few meters away from me and tonight I can finally hear her voice before I fall asleep, I can wake up tomorrow to see her face again after years of separation. So I took the phone, dialed her number and waited…. I did not expect her to answer immediately, as usual she likes to keep me waiting. Few minutes later, an unknown number calls, I answer and here she is. We talked for a while, she asked about everything in my life in detail, and shockingly she knows where I have been working for the last 3 years and she casually mentioned that she used to check my Facebook page from now and then, all these positive GO signs led me to saying: “I’m in love with you”. I always have been, I still am and you probably know it long time ago, I never had the courage to say it directly but I showed it / proved it in every way possible.

I did not know before that feeling this way toward my girl – friend would mean I’m homosexual, and I was not sure whether I am homosexual or not so it took time for me to figure this out which made things between us blurry, but today after the relationships I’ve been through, the guys I’ve dated and women I’ve known, I’m saying it loud and clear, I’m pretty sure that I’m in love with you and all these years I have been searching for you because I never felt this way, never fell in love that deeply with anyone else.

That was not the lightest conversation we ever had, it took her a while to gather her thoughts. eventually she said: “I totally understand what you’re saying, I respect your feelings and your sexual orientation and I do love you but not the way you think I do. I just can’t” Three simple words: “I Just Can’t”. This conversation went back and forward for a solid 1 hour or more. That was the night I was brought back to life and shot down to Hell, all in less than 24 hours.

Days passed by, so many broken promises, fun emotional teasing chats, one tipsy phone call and a sad birthday wish. Finally we settled with nothing but keeping an eye on each other from far away. Till one day I was holding the phone explaining to my friend how she removed me from her contact list because I can no longer see her photo on whatsapp, and here she is! Her picture / last seen and everything. My heart pounded and I got nervous started laughing with tears in my eyes not knowing whether to cry or just be happy that she is still thinking about me.

This kept on happening for a while, she couldn’t make up her mind whether to remove me from her contact list and her life or keep me. I woke up at 5 a.m from the sweetest dream ever, she was walking on the street down my house, towards me with her hands wide open, I held her tight and carried her gently, she was so light, and with every step forward she leaned closer to my heart. Then we got home and we were lying next to each other in bed, she was sleeping peacefully and I watched her cuddle under the white sheets.
I woke up and held the phone to see her face in reality but I couldn’t, apparently this morning she removed my number. That was the time I knew that sometimes it is better to know less, to let go sooner, and for sure what wasn’t meant for you, you’ll never have.

– DreamCatcher