Oh my God! I am having fits of laughter now remembering something I did while much much younger!
You see moments ago I was on 9gag and saw a post about MSN; the chatting app that we all used back in the day :p And that image triggered a memory that I have not thought about in so very long. In fact, it is only now, as I remember, that I think to myself: Holy shit, how did I only figure this out in my twenties??
I used to frequent a computer network in Beirut. It was a small place, had ten computers all in all with blinders for privacy. I would often go to play red alert and I was very good! Those days internet was still quite special and rare. You could buy as little as 15 minutes online, an amount of time referred to as “check-mail”.
Look at me going on and on about everything except the story I’m trying to tell. Back on track, I would spend a lot of time online at this particular network and other than play games I would chat with my online girlfriend.
Somehow we had met, maybe it was mirc or something similar. And I had done what we warn this generation’s young about on the internet; pretended to be someone else. I pretended to be a boy to be exact, and I flirted with and won over someone who, to the best of my knowledge, was a girl.
I can’t say I remember much about our conversations. I can’t even remember the name I used. But I will have to call up an ex and let her know that she was not, in truth, my first!
It’s really funny how every time I think I’ve gotten over this I fall back into the same loop over and over again. I’ve graduated, dated a few guys, was single for a while. I had a few crushes in the office of both genders, nothing serious though..
Until..one day I walk into the office and I see this new girl sitting close by. So beautiful, quiet but she seems fun, gossiping around with her friend while having some ice cream.
That feeling that I haven’t had in a long time came back and just knocked me down flat to the ground. I couldn’t help but steal glimpses every now and then, I bet she noticed. I would smile every now and then and she would occasionally smile back. I know it sounds shallow but, I wanted to take my time before I approach her. To be honest I don’t know if my mind wanted me to approach her but me writing this post now kind of proves a point.
I got some lame ass excuse and talked to her on a Thursday. I thought I had plenty of time but apparently she was part of a routine long week trip and she was going back home by the end of the day. I don’t know how I felt, sad? That I would have maybe had something that maybe made sense for a change. Happy? That I wouldn’t give my heart a chance to get broken again plus save myself some embarrassment at work. Or grateful, that I should just forget about this and never act on my feelings no matter how strong they are.
Whatever it was, it made me realise one thing that I know for sure. I have to figure my shit out.
– The Lost Wanderer
I moved on, I really did. I forgot what it was like having a life based on you.
But you always come back suddenly on my mind out of nowhere. In those moments, the pain comes back stronger,more powerful reminding me that no matter what I do, how fast I’m healing, you will always be a big part of me. You will always be the one person that if i don’t share with the good news my happiness will not be complete. You’re my other half, my soulmate and we only have one in this life and it was you. No matter who I meet no one will take your place, no one will complete me like you did.
I hope you are okay, safe and happy; I really do and I want you to remember that I will always love you to the moon and back. Always remember the person that once was willing to die for you.
– to the moon and back