I Miss You

I miss you. I miss you more than I would like to admit it.

I miss you when I feel down and I need to talk to someone who cares. I miss you when I need to tell someone who i know will be happy for me in all pure honesty some good news. I miss you in the early mornings when I’m barely up and i have no one to say good morning to. I miss you all the times in my every mood in every second of the day.

It’s been almost 2 months that we stopped talking. I am always wondering, worried if you are okay if you need anything if you are happy… I am learning to live without you, the person that was my home that was my entire family my mom dad sis lover all in one. Gosh if you can only see how much I am suffering under that happy mask that I put everyday to face this cruel world. If you only know when was the last time I slept decently. Cause every time I try and close my eyes I see you your beautiful face your breathtaking smile and i wake up tears in my eyes.

If only you can see all this if only you know what I’m going through you will then believe me. You will believe that I’m innocent of all those horrible accusations. I want you back I need you in my life more than anything but I know the damage is too big, something broke. We will never be the same but I will always carry you with me in my heart.

Bhebik la ekhir nafas.

-bastaaa

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She.

Am I allowed to look at her like that
Could it be wrong when she’s just so nice to look at

And she smells like lemongrass and sleep
She tastes like apple juice and peach
You would find her in a polaroid picture
And she means everything to me

I’d never tell
No I’d never say a word
And oh it aches
But it feels oddly good to hurt

She smells like lemongrass and sleep
She tastes like apple juice and peach
You would find her in a polaroid picture
And she means everything to me

and I’ll be okay
Admiring from afar
Cause even when she’s next to me
We could not be more far apart
Cause she tastes like birthday cake and storytime and fall
But to her
I taste of nothing at all

And she smells like lemongrass and sleep
She tastes like apple juice and peach
You would find her in a polaroid picture
And she means everything to me

What is Love?

Some assure you with dreaming eyes that love is the most precious feeling in the world.
Others tell you love is nothing more than biochemical components doing their job.
And some roll their eyes at the question (“What is love?”) and offhandedly answer you: “You’ll know when you fall in love. It changes you.”
Indeed it does.
In terrible ways.
It either makes you feel whole or breaks you.
It either makes you take a big gulp of Lebanese polluted air or chokes you.
Oh right… I just said “Lebanese”. So the air would kill you anyway.
The crushing rich-with-homophobic-particles air will make your queer lungs burst. It will make your eyes fill with she’s-another-straight-girl tears. It will make your heart ache for some freshly synthesized proudly-gay blood cells.
But hey girl, you’re in Lebanon.
Your family can’t know.
Even your crush can’t know. And this applies to your next crush too.
What? Did you already forget how your last crush stepped on you heart?
No. You didn’t.
I know it all. Because I am your rainbow tainted conscience and I’m foreseeing a lifetime of loneliness all clear before you.
Enjoy!

-MyCruelConscience