I don’t know even know where to start from. I don’t even know if I should use the past tense. Well the story is that i used, or i have, i don’t know, a best friend we are supppeeer close or used to be. everyone envied us… everything was perfect. Until her mom knew i was lesbian then she started suspecting i love her, because every lesbian loves her best friend like what the fucckkk!
She started putting suspicion into her head until my friend exploded, she cant take the heat anymore and talked to me. She wanted space from me, i accepted. then day after day she never asked about me.
So in conclusion you lose everything when you are homo. Everything. i love you J, i hope you are reading this cause you’re the sister i never had and will always be.
Maybe if I slept I would think more clearly. I lay in bed staring up at the ceiling. How long had I been awake? 5 minutes? An hour? I didn’t know. But I couldn’t sleep. She was asleep, not 15 cm from me, but at the moment she felt very far away. We’d had a fight earlier; but now she was sound asleep and I was awake.
Would it be so bad if there were no one in the bed beside me? That thought was formed so coldly and triggered such little emotion within me that I realized it was a dangerous time to be thinking it. Because right now I wasn’t angry with her, or disappointed in her, or saddened by her… right now I didn’t hate her; but I didn’t love her either. Right now I was empty; feeling nothing at all towards her one way or the other.
The emotional circuit breaker inside me had tripped. Systems were down. And while my mind questioned the possibility of being alone rather than with her, the answer that kept coming back to each imagined scenario, to each daily life image with her erased, was a simple and flat “I. Don’t. Care.”. The breaker had tripped. Systems were down.
She startled me out of my chain of thought with a groan. Was she having a nightmare? I was curious, but not concerned. Concern for her was beyond me in my current state. I looked at her, observing her scientifically.
She mumbled something in her sleep. Whatever the dream was, it wasn’t over. The breaker trembled, and with each of its jitters worry for her flashed through,but it didn’t hold. It faded as she quieted down. I felt like a monster, looking at her so coldly now.
And then she turned over on her side moaning, her face contorted as she squirmed away from whatever was chasing her in her dreams. And just like that the breaker switched back on and power flooded through the systems.
The apathy that had filled the space between us dissolved into nothing more than air. I slipped my hand into hers and wrapped my fingers around hers tightly. Edging closer to her I whispered “it’s ok, it’s just a dream” into her ear and held her to me. She began to relax, and then in her sleep snuggled deeper into my arms.
And now the only thought in my head was: I am such an idiot with my analogies…and I love her so much.
I’m too tired to think. I just want to sit here on this couch and let the world fade away. I want to receive no emails, no messages. Just silence. I want to be left alone. I want some peace and quiet.
I’m on the couch. I’m hungry, but I don’t want to move. I don’t want to get up now that I’m finally sitting down. I’m exhausted. I just want to not have to move for a while. I want to pretend that it won’t start all over again tomorrow morning.
I’m staring at the wall in front of me. There is silence in the apartment; unchallenged silence. For the first time today, no one is calling me or asking me for something. I take in a deep breath.
I’m alone. This is what I’ve been waiting for all day. And now that I have it, I wish she was here.
There’s no peace for me without you hun.