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هيدي حياتي

بس حدا يحكي عنك و إسمع إسمك خلال الحديث بحس كل خلية بجسمي صارت بحالة تأهب و جاهزة لتجمع كل المعلومات الممكنة، المفيدة و الغير مفيدة عنك. إنتِ صرتِ عندي متل الإدمان يعني حتى لو عقلي و كل أُسُس المنطق و القيود و القوانين و الأعراف الموجودة بالدّني بتمنعني إنو حبِّك، للأسف قلبي ما بيحسّ إلا فيكي.

كنتِ مستاءة أو محبطة و عم تشربي سيجارة و مع كل زفير كنتِ عم تحاولي تنفضي هموم الدني عن قلبك. هيدي آخر مرة شفتِك و كانت بالصدفة، كان إلي شهر و نص بحلم فيكي ليل نهار، كنتِ شبه عايشة براسي، بنام تإحلم فيكي و بفيق تشوفك، بلبس نفس التياب يلّي بنظري ممكن يتركو إنطباع إيجابي عندك.

بس سمعتك عم تتنهّدي ما قدرت ما روح لعندِك، ما قدرت ما إحكيكي، ما قدرت ما شوف عيونك و قلّك أنا هون! أنا هلّق و مبارح و كل يوم هون إذا بدِّك. سلّمت عليكي و ع الشاب اللذيذ يلي كان قاعد حدِّك، صراحة ما شفتو ولا عنالي وجوده، كان كلّ همّي شوفِك، شمّ ريحتِك، إتنفِّسك من جديد و إمسُك إيدك للمرة الأخيرة حتّى إثبت لحالي إنك صرتِ الماضي البعيد.

هيدا الماضي يلّي اليوم بس دقّيتلك نَكَرتي. كان صوتك بارد و في جفا، حتّى بس عرّفتك عحالي و ب شويّ من السخرية قلتلك أنا سالي… إذا نسيتي. ما أكدّتي و لا نكرتي معرفتي بسّ صوتِك حسَم الشكّ باليقين إنّو إنتِ بطّلتي إنت. تعاملتي معي متل ما كنت شوفك عم تتعاملي مع غيري من الناس، هالدفا و المحبّة و الحنان اليوم صارو لحدا غيري. قلتلك بفهمك كتير منيح و بيحقلك تتصرفي معي بالطريقة يلّي بتريّحك و فيكي تتناشفي و تتلأمني قدّ ما بدك لأن أنا بيوم من الأيام تصرفت معك بالطريقة ذاتها… كان صَمتِك تقيل، ما قدرت أعرف منّك لا إي ولا لأ، كنتِ هادية كتير متل كأن ما بدّك تصدّقي يلّي عم بيصير أو ما بدّك تسمعي يلّي عم قولو. أنا أصلا بسّ حكيتِك ما طلبت إذنِك ت بَحبِش ب قلبِك و إنكُش جروح الماضي، أنا ما استأذنتِك قبل ما وقف الزمن فيّي و فيكي و رجّعك 3 سنين لورا.

-بصوت متقطّع، مشحون بكلّ مشاعر الخوف و الرّجا، قلتلّك: أنا ما رح أعمل شي إلّا برضاكي و ما رح إرجع دقلك إلا إذا إنتِ بدّك تحكيني و بالنهاية أنا ما بدي ياكي إلا تكوني سعيدة بحياتك، بس أخدت معي 3 سنين تإقدر إرجع إحكيكي…

-أنا بالشغل و هيدا موضوع كتير قديم عم ترجّعيني كتير لورا و إنت تخطيتي هالموضوع و مشيتي بحياتك و أنا مشيت بحياتي و ما بدّي إرجع لهالمرحلة. بهالقسوة، بهالبساطة و بهالفتور كان جوابك. مع إنو كنتْ حابّة قاطعِك و قلّك مين قلّك أنا تخطّيت هالشي؟ بس بما إنو عم بحكيكي تَ زكّرِك بِ “صداقة” كانت تجمعنا و بما إنو قلتلك أنا اشتقت ل “هالصديقة” يلّي كانت تجمعني فيا علاقة قويّة، ما كان فيّي خبرك إنو إنتِ بعدِك حياتي.

حسّيت للحظة إنّي بغير زمن و على غير كوكب، حسّيت إنو علاقة الحب الأفلطوني يلّي جمعتنا بيوم من الايام، ما هيّ إلا طيف أحلام مرق و غاب، بس أنا لحالي بعدني عايشة ع أمجادو!
إي بكيت و ما حدا غيرك بيبكيني، ما في شي بهالدني كلّا أصلاً صار بيبكّيني، إلا إنت.

مسحت دموعي، صرت إتأمّل السيارات يلّي عم تمرق قدام الجسر و تركت كل همومي و أحزاني و صابيع إيديّ العشرة يرتخو على قزاز الشباك، فكرت بكتير أمور. الإنتحار، الولاد، الزواجات التقليدية الفاشلة، الجحيم اليومي بشغلي، الواقع اللبناني المرّ و الهجرة. صرت اسمع صوت ضحكات ولاد اخواتي بالصالون، و ماما عم تسأل عني، قررت إستجمع كل شي في من قوة و البس القناع يللي بلش يدبل بعد 3 سنين من الاستهلاك و ضهرت تتابع الاحتفال بعيد ميلادي.

كنت بتمنى صوتك يضل متل ما عرفتو من سنين، كنت بتمنى محبّتك إلي ما تتحوّل لكره و إنتقام، كنت بتمنى كون الشخص نفسه يلّي عرفتي و ما حس إنو نحنا غُرَبا عم يحكو مع بعضن لأول، كنت بتمنا كتير إشيا و أوّلها انو يكون عندي الأحقية وين مكان و إيمتا ما كان و قدام الكلّ عرِّف الناس عنِّك و قلّن هيدي حياتي.

 

– dreamcatcher

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lesbian lebanon osashob

Before the Bellybutton Ring

On one particular day I was feeling down. We all have that kind of day every now and again. I texted her asking what she was doing, telling her I felt blue, telling her I wish I could see her for just a bit. It would definitely get my spirits up again.

“Can’t today. I’m busy”.
I remember we spoke on the phone and she said she was going to ABC Ashrafieh to meet some friends. I live 2 minutes away from there. She could call them and say she was running 15 minutes late, and just pass by and give me a hug! I didn’t say that of course. If she wanted to she’d have thought of it herself.
She still might. Once they’re done from the mall and ready to go their separate ways, she’ll call me… Well she did call me at 9:18 PM, but not to suggest we meet.

Her car wouldn’t start. She needed my help. I don’t know why I said I was on my way. My mom saw me putting on my jacket and asked where I was going. We got into a fight. She accused me of the most horrible things. My mind just shut down I suppose, because I walked out of the door as she was yelling.

I head over to where she is. I arrive, she greets me normally. I connect the cables and we jump start her car; she had forgotten the lights on or something and the battery had drained. She thanks me and drives away.

I just stood there in shock for what felt like forever. Had she really just driven off? She hadn’t asked me how I was. She’d hadn’t asked me anything or talked to me at all really. I mean she was smiling and she said thank you, but nothing more.
I didn’t get it. What was going on? This wasn’t the person I was in a relationship with! All of a sudden she seemed like a stranger to me. And now she was gone. She had driven off, and I suddenly realized that I was still standing outside my car.

I drove back home feeling much worse than before. My mind was void and I felt nauseous. I wanted to cry but couldn’t; I was stuck at that second right before you begin crying, right when the emotion peaks. I climbed the stairs to get the 4th floor, put my key in the door and … it wouldn’t turn. SHIT.

My mom had left her keys in the door after locking it. I rang the door bell, I knocked on the door, I called her cell phone… no answer. Was it intentional? Sometimes she takes a sleeping pill to fall asleep; she could have done. But at that moment I was terrified. Had my mother just locked me out of the house? I was so scared because I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know what frame of mind she was in.

Eventually I gave up. I called a friend and spent the night at her place. Sleep didn’t come easy, but it did come. I had no idea what would happen the next morning with either of the two women in my life. Before drifting off to sleep I sent her a text message and very clearly stated what she had done wrong in my opinion. By the time I fell asleep there was still no reply.

-Yakhne

lesbian lebanon osashob

BellyButton Rings and SuperHeroes

I was so angry with her.

I was volunteering at a community space and it was my shift that evening so I was there, but I wasn’t really there. I don’t even know how I forced myself to go there. On the surface I was going through inventory as I was supposed to. But not even the breadth of a hair below that surface my mind was fuming over the events of the previous day.

My phone was in my car. I didn’t bring it with me because since last night I had spent my every moment agonizing over it, waiting for her to text or call. She hadn’t. I started hallucinating the little blinking notification light on the phone; that was when I told myself enough was enough and I put the phone away.

I went through cycles of rage in my mind. How could she do that? How could she not call or text? How could she not care at all? Then I’d tell myself to stop, it wasn’t worth it. Why was I getting angry or upset over someone who didn’t even take a moment to get in touch with me when they so clearly should have? Right, I don’t care. I don’t care. I don’t care. La la la la la. But even screaming that in my mind’s voice couldn’t cover up the nonstop rant about why she didn’t call. Apparently despite my best efforts, I did care.

But that was it. If she didn’t fix this, we’d be over. I have my dignity after all. I have my self-respect. And after what happened I deserve someone who would call. I deserve someone who would apologize. That’s all I want, is it too much to ask? I kept promising myself that this time I wouldn’t just let it go.

“Yakhne!”… I’m startled from my chain of thought by a friend at the space. “Snap out of it! There’s someone to see you downstairs. Go.”

I tell myself not to think it’s her. Not to hope it’s her. I don’t want to be let down. But my heart starts beating faster anyway. It doesn’t have time for that be safe nonsense my brain is lecturing. But it works out alright, because it is her. Only now my heart isn’t just beating faster, it’s beating in my throat!

It’s her. She came. She came! She came… now what? I’m angry. Remember, remember you’re angry!! You have the right to be angry!

She walks ahead of me outside, downstairs, into the underground parking. Privacy. Remember that you’re angry!!

In the coldest voice I can muster  I say “what do you want?”.

She takes hold of my hand and places it gently against her stomach, over her shirt.

“I’m sorry” she whispers.

She guides my fingers, closing them against the edge of her shirt and pushes so that hand in hand we raise her shirt up, revealing her abdomen. Revealing her soft tanned skin, her perfect bellybutton, and a new bellybutton ring.

I smiled. The bellybutton ring was of my favorite superhero’s insignia. It was her apology to me. I honestly cannot think of anything that could have dispelled my anger so quickly and abruptly.

I froze for a moment, looking at it, caressing her skin with my thumb as she still held my hand in hers, her middle exposed. Then I pulled her to me and made it quite clear that her apology was accepted.

-Yakhne