It has been over a year since the last time you told me you were madly in love with me. Yet here I am waking up to a dream of you with tears in my eyes. What is it about you that makes me feel so complete and so empty at the same time?
It’s really hard falling in love with a girl, when you are one, in this world we live in, in this society, and a big part of me still believes it’s wrong. I can never say it out loud because that makes it real, and if it is real, I can’t pretend it’s just some crazy late night thoughts.
When we were together, I wrote you poems and talked to you all night long, till the morning dawned on us both with its ridiculous responsibilities. I was so madly in love with you, maybe I still am, that I didn’t care about how freaked out my parent’s would be or how wrong it felt to pray on that prayer mat. I felt like a hypocrite, but I felt more deeply towards you. I don’t know what that means, but I know that I will never feel towards anyone what I felt towards you.
Do you remember the times I wrote you page long stories about mythical lives we’d have? The stories about a house we would have in a small town in Italy, where nobody would care if we were two girls. Do you remember the vivid description I wrote you? The wall full of our wedding pictures, and the bathtub that fit us both.
Your eyes teared up that night, and I promised that I’d love you till the end of time. I think I’m keeping pretty well on my promise, unlike you, but that’s a different story for a different time. The only story on my mind tonight is the one about how badly I miss you.
I remember the first time you told me you were in love with me. It felt so beautigul, yet so wrong and ugly. I wanted to cry because I loved you so much, and I felt so guilty for it, sometimes I still do.
It has been a long time since I’ve been haunted by dreams of your angel eyes. One dream though, and I’m sent back to the chains of your love, lust, and loss.
The hardest part of all this is that even though a lot of people want to help me through this, no one can. If anybody finds out, I cannot begin to fathom what would become of me. It’d break my mother’s heart. I still have days when I cannot figure out if your loss is a good or bad thing to me.
Tonight though, I’m definite that I would defy all logic. Tonight I wish I were with you, sharing your bed, holding you in my arms, and telling you bed time stories about a life we will never be lucky enough to have.