lesbian lebanon osashob

Word I’ll Never Tell You Again

It has been over a year since the last time you told me you were madly in love with me. Yet here I am waking up to a dream of you with tears in my eyes. What is it about you that makes me feel so complete and so empty at the same time?

It’s really hard falling in love with a girl, when you are one, in this world we live in, in this society, and a big part of me still believes it’s wrong. I can never say it out loud because that makes it real, and if it is real, I can’t pretend it’s just some crazy late night thoughts.

When we were together, I wrote you poems and talked to you all night long, till the morning dawned on us both with its ridiculous responsibilities. I was so madly in love with you, maybe I still am, that I didn’t care about how freaked out my parent’s would be or how wrong it felt to pray on that prayer mat. I felt like a hypocrite, but I felt more deeply towards you. I don’t know what that means, but I know that I will never feel towards anyone what I felt towards you.

Do you remember the times I wrote you page long stories about mythical lives we’d have? The stories about a house we would have in a small town in Italy, where nobody would care if we were two girls. Do you remember the vivid description I wrote you? The wall full of our wedding pictures, and the bathtub that fit us both.

Your eyes teared up that night, and I promised that I’d love you till the end of time. I think I’m keeping pretty well on my promise, unlike you, but that’s a different story for a different time. The only story on my mind tonight is the one about how badly I miss you.

I remember the first time you told me you were in love with me. It felt so beautigul, yet so wrong and ugly. I wanted to cry because I loved you so much, and I felt so guilty for it, sometimes I still do.

It has been a long time since I’ve been haunted by dreams of your angel eyes. One dream though, and I’m sent back to the chains of your love, lust, and loss.

The hardest part of all this is that even though a lot of people want to help me through this, no one can. If anybody finds out, I cannot begin to fathom what would become of me. It’d break my mother’s heart. I still have days when I cannot figure out if your loss is a good or bad thing to me.

Tonight though, I’m definite that I would defy all logic. Tonight I wish I were with you, sharing your bed, holding you in my arms, and telling you bed time stories about a life we will never be lucky enough to have.

-Lily’s

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lesbian lebanon osashob

Only In My Dreams

My parents and I were watching “The Moment of Truth”. An American show where people had to answer embarrassing personal questions in order to win a huge amount of money if they tell the truth. A Polygraph – “lie detector” machine – would tell if they’re lying or not. It was one of those pointless game shows we quickly forget just after the episode is over. However, there is one episode, one question I will never forget:

“Have you ever had the impulse to kiss another woman?”

I huddled deeper in the couch, hoping to disappear in the mattress while the audience was making a “woooo” sound. Her husband held his breath as she laughed nervously before replying:

“Yes”.

Shocked, my mother broke the awkward silence this answer caused: “yiiiii yiiiii”. She had her hands on her head in a dramatic devastated way.

“That answer is True”.

Her sister was trying to force a smile. Her father was frowning, obviously angry and disappointed. So was my father. Her mother had an embarrassed-angry-uncomfortable-disappointed look on her face. So had my mother.

“Have you ever acted on that impulse?”

“I don’t know” *nervous laugh*

My mother was more shocked (if it’s even possible): “yiiiii yiiiii yiii”

Her parents were devastated. My parents were outraged. Followed a discussion between my parents about the degradation of society and this immoral woman on TV. How do they even say these things on TV?! On a family show?!

“Have you ever had the impulse to kiss another woman?” 

I imagined myself wired to a polygraph, having no choice but to answer this question. Seeing my parent’s angry faces when they discover the truth. Guilt. Shame. Fear. Fear of people getting into my mind, of knowing my secret. Fear of the answer I had for this question.

At the time, I didn’t yet understand exactly what it meant. I just knew that, according to my parents, it was bad. So, for years, I lived with this irrational fear of having to answer this question with my parents and society being able to tell if I’m saying the truth.

“Have you ever had the impulse to kiss another woman?” 

Why do some people avoid me and stop talking to me? Why would a female friend only shake hands with me but hug and kiss the others? Why does she take a step back when she sees me and refuses to stay alone in a room with me?

“Have you ever had the impulse to kiss another woman?” 

Do you have a boyfriend? You should get one. Don’t you want to have a family? When are you going to get married?  I want to see your kids before I die. What do you look for in a guy?

“Have you ever had the impulse to kiss another woman?”

Yes.

“Have you ever acted on that impulse?”

Only in my dreams.

-letstalkaboutit