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Sooner or Later…

She’s a freelancer; no work schedule. Sleeps till around 10 or 11 every day. I on the other hand am a 9-5er; office job. We met a few months ago through some social we were both invited to. I guess what I liked about her at first was that she seemed relaxed in her own skin.

I have never been with a girl before. And until recently (less than a year), I didn’t have any friends who were openly ok with same sex couples. Actually, I didn’t have friends who were ok with sex in general. They were all the “not before marriage” type. I never felt I fit in with them, but when you’re from a village your options are limited. But when I moved to Beirut things changed. Having friends who don’t judge you is such a breath of fresh air.

She is very sweet, but not too soft. She’s funny, and she laughs at herself and at her problems. She’s admittedly open to both sexes but so far her experiences have been predominantly with men. And thinking about her makes my 9-5 fly by.

I know it’s teenager-ish but I replay our conversations in my head. I want to ask her out, or tell her that I like her, but I’m nervous. Only it’s the kind of nervous that makes crushes so much fun. I get butterflies and I blush and I daydream.

My first move has been to start sending her good morning text messages. I plan them. I include something in them that isn’t just your regular bonjour, but rather a little detail, a story, a fact, a compliment…something that I know will peak her interest. And I don’t wait for a response. That’s not the important part.

And the other day, we were chatting and joking around as usual. She asked me something about my type, and I made a pass at her saying she was my type. She smiled and asked “but what if I’m not into you? what if you’re not my type?”…I leaned towards her, looked intently into her eyes, and with a sly smile on my face I replied “sooner or later, I always get what I want…” and I walked away.

Ouf, I couldn’t believe I’d done that. So cheeeeeesy, so some stupid Hollywood movie! But it was FUN!! And this stuff is supposed to be fun, right?

-Enjoying Myself

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Not Good Enough For You

I make her smile. I make her happy. But that’s not good enough for you.
I put her first, above all else. But that means nothing to you.
I’ve done the impossible plus one to keep her safe and sound. But I am the only danger you seek to protect her from.
I wake and sleep and dream and breathe nothing but her. But that is a sickness to you.

Although I can’t protect her from the woes of the world, I would die a thousand deaths before I let a single tear trace its way down her cheek. But how horrible it must be that they are feminine fingers that wipe her tears away.

What is it that you want for her? To be loved? I love her. To be respected? I respect her. To be well-treated? I will never mistreat her. Is it more basic? Is it rooted in some concept of masculinity and chivalry? Then I shall open car doors for her. I shall carry the grocery bags for her. Do you wish for someone to be tender with her? I shall sing her to sleep every night.
Is there anything you really want for her that I cannot give her?

Of course there remains your fear. Your suffocating fear that she will be shunned for who she is and for who she loves. You hold your fear up, you shield yourself from the truth with it. You push it down her throat, down my throat, and down the throat of anyone else who will listen that you fear FOR her. You lie. You fear for yourselves. You cry, you scream, you shout, she will be shunned. But the truth is cold and hurtful. The truth is that it is you who shun her.

And as you do, I hold my arms open for her to collapse into because the people she holds dearest to her heart can’t find it in theirs to love her anyway.