I messed up. I messed up and I shouldn’t have. I was such an idiot. And now Gihane won’t take my calls. Trust is a precious thing. It takes time to build it, and with her it was even harder because she had been hurt in the past. She didn’t give her trust away easily. In fact, somewhere around our 2 month mark she explicitly told me not to disappoint her in the trust department.
We both agreed that honesty was the best policy. We just tell the truth. If we’re not interested in the other person any more, we just say it. If we find someone else attractive, we tell each other. We don’t let things grow in the background until they explode. We act like responsible adults who willingly got into a relationship, and not like creatures trapped in something they can’t escape.
It all sounded good in the beginning, but one of the hiccups was that she was jealous. She easily felt insecure if someone new entered my life. She was well-aware of this, and apologized for it, and truth be told she was working on it. As time progressed she was gradually becoming more comfortable with me and my interactions with other people; they became less threatening. But still, she would worry when I was out without her. She would wait up for me and want to hear every detail of my night.
And in comes Lama. I met Lama a short while ago at a work event and found her to be really interesting and fun. We had coffee, we had lunch, and pretty soon we were often planning to meet up. Note that Lama knew I was in a relationship and we weren’t into each other; we were just friends. But, for some stupid inexplicable reason I decided not to tell my girlfriend. This thing with Lama was easy and light, and I didn’t want to weigh it down with the frown of my partner and minute by minute analysis of every interaction we had.
So I’d be going out for a drink with my sister, but actually see Lama. I’d be just texting a common friend, whereas in reality I was texting Lama. I felt bad about it, but I was convinced it was harmless, after all nothing was happening. We even often spoke about Gihane!
And then it all exploded in my face. Gihane found out. I still don’t know how. Maybe my phone, maybe a friend told her… all I know is that she found out and now she won’t take my calls. I tried to explain that nothing was happening, but that doesn’t sound very believable since I kept it a secret. The only time Gihane has responded to me was to say that even if nothing was happening, it is obvious that our relationship is screwy if I feel the need to keep such a thing to myself.
I’m sitting here mocking myself. What an idiot am I? How could I have done such a thing? Was it worth it? What do I do now? These questions play in a reel in my head. And then I think to myself “congratulations, you’re a liar!”. And I am. I can’t excuse myself outside my own head. The voices that justified my behavior lose their power when their words are spoken out loud.
Fuck. I messed up. Please answer my calls.
– Ashamed Liar